Dreams

Ice Queen ~ Within Temptation

2004-05-05T00:10:25Z

When leaves have fallen
And skies turned to grey.
The night keeps on closing in on the day
A nightingale sings his song of farewell
You better hide for her freezing hell

On cold wings she's coming
You better keep moving
For warmth, you'll be longing. Nightingale
Come on just feel it
Don't you see it?
You better believe.

When she embraces
Your heart turns to stone
She comes at night when you are all alone
And when she whispers
Your blood shall run cold
You better hide before she finds you

Whenever she is raging
She takes all life away
Haven't you seen?
Haven't you seen?
The ruins of our world

Whenever she is raging
She takes a life away
Haven't you seen?
Haven't you seen?
The ruins of our world

She covers the earth with a breathtaking cloak
The sun awakes and melts it away
The world now opens its eyes and it sees
The dawning of the new day

On cold wings she's coming
You better keep moving
For warmth, you'll be longing. Nightingale
Come on just feel it
Don't you see it?
You better believe

Whenever she is raging
She takes all life away
Haven't you seen?
Haven't you seen?
The ruins of our world

Whenever she is raging
She takes all life away
Haven't you seen?
Haven't you seen?
The ruins of our world

And now for something completely different

2004-04-29T01:29:18Z

Bittersweet Tears

She makes me laugh
She'll make me cry
And when we talk
She wonders why
That I can't breathe into this life
With the things she says I wanna die
All the things we talk about you know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about they'll bring us through it everytime
After time after time
Cuz you're all I wanted to find
Cuz you're all I wanted to find
And I would drive, the whole night through
Just so I could spend it with you
I know you're mine, and I hope it's true
That when we fight, we will make it through
All the things we talk about you know they stay on my mind
On my mind
All the things we laugh about they'll bring us through it everytime
After time after time
Cuz you're all I wanted to find
Cuz you're all I wanted to find
I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down
I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down
I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down
I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down
Down, down, down
Cuz you're all i wanted to find
Cuz you're all i wanted to find
Cuz you're all i wanted to find
Cuz you're all i wanted to find
Yes you're all, yes you're all I wanted

~ Good Charlotte, Time After Time

Everything Bad For Me

2004-04-12T19:01:48Z

You are my electric rainbow
At the end of the storm
When all the waves have crashed me hard,
And I feel like I’m drowning in love,
You give me the hope to see that everything is
And everything will always be
Whatever we make of it.

You are my eclectic suicide
What everyone wants and no one can have.
Your whispered conversation fills my head
From night to dawn, and back again,
And all my love, is life, is love, is fear and
We have what we need together.

You are my processed sugar,
You are my filtered cigarette,
You are my cinnamon gum.

I hope you have the time...

2004-04-05T18:03:28Z

Chasing Daydreams ~ Shades Apart

2004-04-01T17:48:43Z

Watch the night sky at my window
While the world is fast asleep
I stare into the unknown
I will have no fear as long as you're with me

I will catch your fall- I'll keep the world away
Chasing after daydreams- I am unafraid
Catch me if I fall- in your arms I'm safe
Chasing after daydreams

World gone mad outside my window
Try to buy a higher life
I won't need another thing
I will go on dreaming if you stay with me

I will catch your fall- I'll keep the world away
Chasing after daydreams- I am unafraid
Catch me if I fall- in your arms I'm safe
Chasing after daydreams

Let them tell secrets about us
Jaded words don't mean a thing
We are just beginning
There's no limit we will go on chasing dreams

I will catch your fall- I'll keep the world away
Chasing after daydreams- I am unafraid
Catch me if I fall- in your arms I'm safe
Chasing after daydreams

bottledfog @ 2004-03-16T12:03:00

2004-03-16T17:04:37Z

Best phrase ever:

That sucks monkey dong!

Remembrance

2004-03-15T22:34:34Z

Every so often
there comes a time
when it's all I can do
to keep from crying

And you were all I ever
wanted,
songs and stories and dreams
in the light of the fire
as it licked your face,
illuminating

The precious beads of wisdom,
pearls really, lost amongst your sand
your time
your age and beauty tainted
fluttering in the breeze of destruction's wake

And your face, it lingers
emotionless and daydreaming
of me, or you, or future and past
with swirls of color,
dancing in me, dancing in your shadow
that is mine
beautiful, sleepy world

Silver & Cold

2004-02-23T19:19:59Z

I...I came here by day, but I left here in darkness
And found you, found you on the way
And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold
You, in somber resplendence, I hold

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one
Your sins into me
oh As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me) Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one

Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me
As you're longing to sing
So I..I will paint you in silver, I will wrap you in cold
I will lift up your voices as I sink

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me
oh As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me) Your sins into me

Cold in life's throes, I'll fall in the sea for you
Cold in life's throes, I only ask you turn away
Cold in life's throes, I'll fall in the sea for you
Cold in life's throes, I only ask you turn
As they seep... into me, oh, my beautiful one, now

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one
Your sins into me
oh As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me)
Your sins into me... oh

Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me
As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer
And I'll beg for forgiveness
(Your sins into me) Your sins into...
(Your sins into me) Your sins into me
Oh, my beautiful one

Winter Song

2004-01-28T15:17:50Z

Winter Song

I see
the tortured
snowflake dance
as howling winds
toss her
back and forth
in white, wintry clouds

I see
the weathered
porcelain limbs
lined and nestled
in their melting houses
of glass -
showcases displayed
in honor of
our wicked diety
high upon
his (or her)
unearthly thrown

I see
the children
slip and slide
in overcoats
of age and bounded
traffic

truth is...
I cower
from His cold
and languish in
Her icy breath
with muddy flowers
of labor trampled
withering in
our fire's place
as ashes
mingle with flakes

When...

2004-01-26T20:00:16Z

When you whisper
sweet nothings
I shiver

Forgetful,
we dance beneath
the cold moon's light

bundled together against
the rays of wisdom
chosing blissful ignorance

And all is nothing,
we have each other
dancing together always
forever is a four letter word
when you're forgetful

Christmas trees
and silver bells
cotton angels whisper
lies into the mirror

We fall together
separated never

Christmas trees and
silver bells
always seemed so perfect.

Tilted mirror,
guilded cage

it's all the same.

Random Poem

2004-01-24T14:33:51Z

We made waves
of silver, crashing
soundlessly
as we traced our names
in the stars

we danced among
pillows of lapis,
lamenting nothing
and joying in song
created to serve,
protect,
love

our bodies,
hard and cold
but beautiful and bright,
and nothing like everything
bound to Terra

we light
the darkest of passages
and brought you
to our courtyards
with dreams,
visions,
songs and poems

and now,
admist the rubble
we rebuild the glory
of ten thousand moons
holding open our gates
with no thought of retribution

come,
sit and dine,
and revel in the light
of one million stars
shining so bright
as to block out the darkness
of Morning Star's curse

Fredonia!!!!!!!!!

2004-01-21T18:09:02Z

I'm *finally* back in Fredonia. Hallelujah!

I hated being at home, and now I'm finally back, woohoo, woohoo! AND I've got no roommie at the moment, so this is going to be spifferoo.

David finally proposed for real the other day. He got me a ring and EVERYTHING. It's absolutely gorgeous. It's gold with a rose-gold rose w/a silver stem. I love it.

We do, however, have to get it resized, but that's okay. It's sooo prettiful.

Omg, though. His house can be so damned scary! Too many ghosties. Must do exorcism soon!!!!!!

Well, I'm def. not in the mood to write anymore. I'll update soon. Love you all!

Woohoo for loop holes...

2003-12-30T22:42:56Z

Hey everyone! my dad connected my computer to try to fix my cd burner (mission unsuccessful, by the by) so now I'm using the internet sans protective gear. W00T!

In case you have been under a rock or I haven't talked to you in over a week, my beloved one is coming to visit me for New Years!!!!!!!!! I'm so thrilled beyond words! I can't believe how excited I am. :)

Baby, I adore you sooooo much!

Let's see.. Christmas rocked, but it wasn't as good as it could have been, because I didn't get to see my beloved one.

I got a great trench coat, some arm warmers and two new cds, Sugarcult and Yellowcard. Wicked beanz!

I've rejoined www.wolfhome.com and it's soooooooooo much fun!

Hmmm. There's really not much else to say. Definately you guys should read my livejournal...

Well, much love and sweet water!

Icons!

2003-12-17T17:00:55Z

Okay, yay for me! I'm going to post all of the icons and icon bases that I've ever made. Some of them are too big, some of them are not, but yeah. You finally get to see my master pieces, hehe.

Update

2003-12-17T05:23:48Z

Okay, now that I'm calm again, maybe I can write a good decent entry. I've updated the look of my layout... what do y'all think? I think she's hot! lmao.

Anyway, yeah, so things are looking up. My baby might be able to come to Yule celebration in Rochester with me! And my mom is finally decided that she can come and get me, which is good. She got someone to fill in for her at work. The only negatives is that I'm going to be putting up with Dan at home. *sigh* But that also means I get to see baby Jade and Laura, who both rock my socks hardcore.

I want my baby to be with me! :( I miss him so much. But we're going to see Return of the King tommorrow, so Booyah, bitch! lmao.

Yay for no finals tommorrow. Boo for staying til Friday. Yay for hanging with Don today. Boo for writing an essay by Friday. Yay for food. Boo for sore throat. Yay for OJ. Boo for boredom.

Well, that's about it. I'm leaving on Friday, so don't expect this journal to be updated any time soon, as I can't do it at home. I probably will be updating my livejournal, though, so definately check that one out.

Much love and skittles....

I need you like water, like breath, like rain!

everything's made to be broken

2003-12-15T23:05:00Z

note to the reader:
if this entry is devoid of caps or correct grammar, forgive me, please, but i just don't care enough to deal with it.
thanks.

I'm so fucking pissed right now. My head hurts like a bitch and i want to just go and curl up in a little tiny ball and slam my head repeatedly into the wall next to it so that i can pass out and stop having to deal with all this shit. i'm losing my best friend in the fucking world, and he won't tell me why. my ex boyfriend's being psychotic and i'm tired of this shit. i'm a moron and it's official, because i showed up to my logic final an hour late and couldn't even fucking finish it... but not because i ran out of time, but because I don't know how.

my head hurts so fucking bad. i've been so sick for so long, i just want it to go away! i miss my david hardcore, and i've only been away from him for under 12 hours. i can barely breath anymore. i don't know what my problem is. i feel like i'm falling apart, damnit.

my parents decided that it's more important to help my GROWN 26 year old, or however old he is, asshole of a brother drive from texas than come and get me from college for my first serious break that i really really need or i'm probably going to go on a rampage and destroy the entire fucking world.

i'm so damned tired of all of this shit!

why is it that every time i get happy, even a little bit, the world has to come crashing down on me and try to take my happiness all away??? i want to die, i really do sometimes. this isn't fair, i hate this, i hate it, i hate it. i hate being sick, i hate being torn to pieces. i hate everything. the only person i love is the person everyone else hates. what the fuck is wrong with me? why are the people who make me the happiest the ones who are like, so far away from my circle of influence that no one else will even give them a chance? grrr!

damnit, I can't anymore. i can't do this anymore. i can't fight anymore. like it or hate it, this is who i am. this is who i love. don't give me shit or i'll give you shit back. i've been too nice for too fucking long and i'm fucking tired of being a doormat.

Hairy legs, headbanging, and condom wrappers

2003-12-08T17:43:59Z

Well, I had a good weekend. I got out of the house all day Saturday, and that was smashing. I love spending time with the people I care most about.

The first part of the day was spent with Benn, and that's always a good time, ne? We went out and about and had some nice car-ride conversations, as per usual. His music is interesting, lol. Let's see, then we went and looked at all sorts of interesting books. He assisted me in the purchasing of 3 books, 2 of which are White Wolf gaming based, the third of which is based on X-Men. What can I say, but that I am a gigantic nerd. I started to read the book based on Vampire: The Masquerade, and it's absolutely smashing. The only problem is, it's the first in a trilogy, and I've never seen any of the other books anywhere. The other White Wolf book I bought is also part of a trilogy, but this one is based on Demon: The Fallen. It looks promising as well. But yeah, we had a great time together. We sat down and read comics and things, lol. It was nifty. He bought me chocolate and coffee, yay! Feeding my addictions is fun. hehehe.

Then I came back and we had lunch (pizza, yummy) and then I got to spend time with my David. ^_^ I got to meet his mum and say hi to his Dad again, and that was cool. When David and I got back to his place, we were hanging out with the dog and we watched the Criss Angel special that he's been dying to have me watch with him. I gotta admit, it was really fucking cool. The dude must be completely insane, I swear. But anyway, after hanging out and consuming copious amounts of cheese sticks (with ranch dressing, of course!) we went to David's DJ-ing gig....

That was so much fun, seriously. He's absolutely insane when he's doing his live performances. He was doing one handed cartwheels, insane shit. But I loved every moment of it. I got to control the button that mde the smoke machine work! Yay! lol. I felt so powerful, it was great. I met like, 25 people, and I was getting so completely overwhelmed. I met his sister and her husband, and then I met everyone that his dad works with, then I met like, half of his senior class. Well, if he was still in school, they'd be his class, but he's not. Anyway, it was so much fun, with the exception of the shitty ass rap music. Ah well, you gotta admit it's pretty danceable.

Then, after the gig, we went home and relaxed. His dog Terra absolutely adores me, lol. She's such a cute little dog. I think she's a toy poodle or something like that, only she's not white and fluffy, she's grey and fluffy, hehehe. I liked her. Oh, but his cat was absolutely wicked. I was cuddling him and petting him, and he loved every moment of it. The cat, I mean! The David cuddling came later.

Speaking of later, we went upstairs to his room and cuddled up in this gigantic waterbed. Oh god, it was so comfy! Really warm, too. It was fantastic. Then we talked some and did some other things that you can't know about. Sorry reader, I don't kiss and tell..... Not to a massive amount of strangers, anyway. But honestly, it was fantastic just being there with him, having him hold me in his arms, cuddling with him, oh, I was so damned happy. Hell, I'm still happy. We talked so late into the night, it was great. But then, he started to babble incoherently but he refused to go to sleep. I knew he was exhausted, I could feel him slipping in and out of consciousness as he held me. But he kept protesting that if he fell asleep, I might leave him during the night, and that I had to promise I'd be there with him when he woke up. So, of course, I promised him, and finally managed to calm him enough so that he could sleep. I fell asleep some time later as well, and when I woke up, there he was, all curled on his side, sleeping like a stinking angel. Oh, gods, he was so adorable in that moment. I just wanted to cuddle him and snuggle him. ::smiles:: So I let him sleep, and he was so cute!

Well, anyway, after we woke up and got dressed and things like that, we went out to breakfast at this tiny ass little restaurant, and boy can this dude eat. You would not believe it. *chuckles softly* Ah well. He was paying, so I wasn't going to stop him from filling his tummy. Then we went back to the school and hung out and snuggled, and that was cool. Then, I got home and I almost immediately started to feel sick.....

Last night was so bad. I had a really hot fever, but I got some rest and did my homework and snuggled with David in my bed anyway. Oh gods, that was good. I won't tell you anything about that, either, but let me just say... I'm so impressed by this boy! Anyway, we were comfy, and then once he left, my fever came on really strong, and now even I'm feeling the after-effects of it. My throat is hurting me and my nose is slightly sniffly, but other than that, I think I'll be okay in the long run. heh.

Oh, and I finally got to meet the infamous James (friend of Leana's) and shit I just realised I let the cat out of the bag earlier. Crap. I hope that I don't get into trouble for that. I just had to relay the fact that he was adorable and snoring and they were cuddling this morning. Ah well.

Well, I guess there's only one thing left to say, hmm?

As of December 7, 2003, David and I are officially dating. Honestly, I don't want your criticism, if you have it. Keep it to yourself, please. But I do welcome any and all words that are kind, encouraging, and pleasant. I hope with all of my heart that things with David go well, I really do. I care for him so much, he's so important to me...

okay, well, time to go now, I think, before I let too much of my mystery slip by me.

Brightest of Blessings to All.

Blargh & dreams

2003-12-04T16:39:37Z

Good goddess, I'm exhausted.

But I had a weird dream, so here it is: I dreamed I was on the show Will & Grace, and everything all started out normally, you know, and then for some reason, I was like, having sex with Will, but while he was laying down on the bottom bunk of my bunk beds, and I was on the top. Then we got chased out by Leana, and then a whole bunch of confusing stuff happened, and then I'm looking through these people's apartments, and I find a whole bunch of people who look exactly like Grace, only at varying ages, right? And I guess they were her family, but they had this whole strange undercover murder thing going on. So the next thing I know, I'm being chased by both that family who's trying to kill me, and the FBI who's been bought over. Then the last thing I remember is panicking, and jumping out of the car/bike thing, and running into this woods and being surrounded by people with guns pointed at me. It was so strange. And I woke up feeling more exhausted than I went to sleep feeling.

I'm so damned tired. I don't get it. I was fine, now I'm exhausted. Only got like, 7 hours of sleep, cuz I kept waking up over and over this morning. Spent some time thinking about Raven. Blaze is scaring me, making me feel stupid, useless, frustrated, angry, and just plain annoyed.

Raven makes me happy. Dunno why. I guess I just feel safe and comfortable with him. (bah, stupid insert button) I can't wait for Saturday. Saturday's going to be a good day.

I'm skipping class again, but in all fairness, I did sleep through it. I should really do some homework today though. *sigh*

My crystal that Blaze has is being mean, won't let him cleanse it. I'll probably wind up doing it for him. Per usual.

I'm working on version 2.0 of my book of shadows. it's absolutely fantastic. And maybe this time I won't have to deal with my mom scrawling all over it.

Well, that's about it for now. Much love to everyone.

Peace out.

Death & stuff

2003-12-01T02:14:58Z

Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, an opinion -- anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your DJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others whom you don't even realize read your DJ) have to say.

Okay, now that that's out of the way..... I had a hard, strange, and kinda .... yucky week. I'm anemic, which, yeah, not too big of a suprise. I'm pissed at my sister. She is too annoying. I watched way too much tv, but I got new books. Books are good. Uh. Well, Blaze and I are broken up. That's it. I ... I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. bye.

Anime lyrics that make me happy ^_^

2003-11-21T04:05:41Z

Wind by Naruto

Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn't care.
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't dry with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

(Repeats)

You say, "Dreams are dreams.
"I ain't gonna play the fool anymore."
You say, "'Cause I still got my soul."

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,
'Cause there's always a straight way to the point you see.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't dry with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

(Repeats)

Random poetry

2003-11-18T19:02:11Z

Melancholy

I'm so tired
and to fall
would be so sweet
like red leaves
turned to brown

-dust-
no wind blown
angel baby
cast aside
the self

contained

jealousy for emptiness
painful scars
gone cold -
melting icy hearts
fails within your
sun's black
whole: shattered

manipulated variables
without your logical
desperation

crushing me,
poisoned by your
blackened, shallow pity

free me - fold me - break me
take me

rain falls -- mirrored from LJ --

2003-11-17T14:19:02Z

I'm not happy.

There, I said it. It's true. I don't know why it was so hard to say, but there it is. I'm not happy, and the only time I am happy.... or at least the only time I forget... is when I'm with the Raven...

Though I can't honestly say that to be true. I'm content when I'm snuggling with Blaze and watching anime and forgetting. I'm content when I'm out with Leanakitty and being silly. I forget when I'm in class, and frankly, these days, that's the only thing that encourages me to go to class.

I feel like shit. Like absolute fucking shit. Blaze doesn't really make me as happy as I had expected. And maybe my expectations were too high, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a moron and should have seen this coming a mile away. Maybe... maybe a lot of things, but the bottom line is... I'm just not happy. I don't know what to do.

If it has to do with class.... Well, I'm going home for Thanksgiving, aren't I?
If it has to do with Blaze.... Well... I don't know what to do. I do love him, very much, but for some reason, it's just not working... I'm not happy. He's too dependent on me to make him happy, to keep him entertained, and every time I try to tell him this.... It doesn't work. Either he doesn't understand, or I'm just putting it too nicely, or whatever, but it doesn't work.

To be honest with each and every one of you... I'm fucked up. And I'm probably hypoglycemic. I can't deal anymore. I'm so tired of everything. So tired of this life, so tired of school, so tired of goddamned EVERYTHING. I'm jealous, you know. Jealous of Daniel and his Cheesefire. Jealous of Bram and his Lisa. Jealous of everyone who knows what they want. Do you realize that I've fucked up someone's life? Do you? Do you realize that I break hearts, right and fucking left? I'm so sick of all this. I'm so sick of being a bad person, and I don't know what to do. My mind hurts! My heart hurts! I'm tired of being in fucking pain, and I'm tired of people who claim to understand me and haven't got a fucking clue. No one really gets it, no one really gets where I'm coming from, with the minor exception of when I force it down their fucking throats. And even then, goddess only knows what they're thinking of. And maybe, maybe just maybe, it's all my fault. Maybe I'm just not fucking cut out for this life, and maybe I should just fucking stop right now.

I'm upset
Happiness is not a fish that you can catch.
... Everyone you meet is feeling
useless and ashamed....
But, I can fake happiness,
and all those things
I've lost in this...

Sleepiness

2003-11-15T15:58:23Z

So yesterday was interesting. I got to chill with David. Didn't see my baby for all that long, but I don't know... Something prevented me from calling him last night. *shrugs* Probably my massive depressive streak. But before I get into that, I'll tell you about the good parts of my day.

For one, I got to chill with David, as I said, which is always cool. He's so strange, in a good way.

For two, Leana and I had a girls night out, yay! It was so nifty. We went to the Brown Bean coffee shop and I got to wear her cloak, hehehe. We looked cool. Anyway, at the coffee shop, we played this game called Dirty Minds where you take clues that sound really nasty and perverted and try to think of the very mundane words they go with. Hehe, that was a very cool game. I enjoyed it muchly. Then, after we were more or less done with the game, a very talented jazz ensemble with a great vocalist came into the coffee house, and it was so much fun. They were really good. So at like, 9 somethin we left and went to the Willy C to get pizza, then came back to the room. And that's when everything went downhill, I guess. But not yet...

I don't know why, but for a while, I was super duper happy. So I called David to tell him, cuz I knew he'd get a kick out of it, and I thought Blaze wasn't home. Then I got a phone call from Chris and we talked for quite a while. After that, I got back on the computer and slowly started to calm down...

Well, okay, so now is when everything gets dark.

I don't know why... I guess it was kinda like crashing from a sugar high, you know? It happens, and it happens hard. I just kept thinking about all of this shit... All this shit that really pissed me off. Then I started playing with my razor and shit, and that scared the crap out of David. But razors are good. I mutilated the fuck out of it. I wanted to be doing that to my arm, but no, I can't anymore. *sighs* I'm very tired of this shit, you know. But I think, that part of this whole thing, is that I'm so tired of being an adult and having responsibilities. I want to be a kid again. I want to be able to make everything okay again. I want everything to be happy and to forget that there's any such thing as pain in the world.

Oh, yes, dead-reader, I was happy once. I don't remember when, it was so long ago, but I know I must have been. There was so much going on while I was a child that I never knew anything about... I'll spare you from it, but trust me, there was a lot of crap. But you know, it never really mattered, because I got spared a lot of crap. The biggest of it that I ever had to put up with was my dad yelling all the time. He's mostly better now, but back then, well, it was hell on earth. I don't know, man, I just get so sad every time I think about Christmas.

You know how it is when you're little. You go to bed the night before Christmas and you try to make yourself stay awake for as long as you can so that you won't miss anything. And then, just as you start to get tired, you say, Okay, well, if I go to sleep fast, it'll come quicker. At least that's how it was for me, anyway... I loved it. I loved the excitement. And even afterward, after the excitment was gone, it was always cool, because I usually had at least one of the things that I had asked for. Now, I never had any delusions of Santa Claus. Raised in a supremely christian home, we never really believed in Santa. But I do know that my mom was the sweetest woman. She tried so hard, even when we didn't have much money... There always seemed to be a million things under our Christmas tree. There always seemed to be such wonderful treasures.

You know, even when my brothers got something cooler than me, it was okay. Cuz they would let me play with them....after they tried it out first, of course. But as I got older, you know, they started giving me less and less games, and more and more girly things. I was never really into all the girly things. I just wanted stuff you could do, you know? Like, I had this really cool present one year of sand art. Oh my goodness, that thing was cool. But it's funny what you only realize in retrospect. I had such a short attention span as a kid, lol. I think I kinda still do. Maybe I had a mild form of A.D.D., but if I did, I definately learned mostly how to deal with it. --which reminds me, I have a paper to write, anyway...-- But it was always a good thing, Christmas. Even when we had like nothing... Even then, we always had the best Christmas'. They were always fun.

And we always ate breakfast on Christmas morning... And it was against the rules to get dressed before breakfast. Hehe. It was wonderful. I loved being a child. *sighs softly*

Nowadays, though... I almost dread Christmas. While it's great... It generally speaking winds up in minor fights here and there. And then the people come over, my relatives, yes, but lots of them. Far too many of them for my taste. So I run away and hide. I guess, half of it is, I don't want to get too attached to these people, because if I do, then they'll just leave me, like always. I mean... My grandfather died... My grandmothers could be on the way soon as well... If I get to close, well, then, it'll just hurt again, and I'm so tired of hurting. Other than that, even, just my sisters and I can't all be in the same room without wanting to hurt each other. Heh. Being from a big family, you know, you try not to get on each other's nerves, especially at the holidays, but... it hurts....

I guess, I guess the pinacle of what I'm saying could be summed up in one story, which I will post soon. But let me leave you with one note.... Love you family. Try really hard to cherish the moments you have with them. They pass by far too quickly. ::insert happy, sappy music::

Okay, now the last story, and then I bid you adeu.

I remember the Christmas I graduated from highschool, my mom decided that she was going to get a fake Christmas tree, instead of a real one, and I threw like, a week long hissy fit. My mom finally got sick of it, and called me on it. Asked me why I was so upset about it, and I burst into tears right there in the family room in front of everyone and started bawling about how scary it was to grow up and have everything different. So my mom told me that if it meant that much to me, we'd go pick out a little Christmas tree, but I had to take care of it and decorate it by myself. And that, I guess, sums up everything. All of my fears and everything....

Farewell....

Star Child

2003-11-14T15:24:52Z

Soon you’ll see
I’m a star child

When others bloom
I fade away
unable to live
lost in the mortality
of metal bars and cages

Soon you’ll see
I’m a star child

I shine with the brilliance
you’ve lost from
years of suffering and pain
though my own wounds
ooze in spirit

Soon you’ll see

You’ve lost your way
lost track of everything
once held dear
and when you whisper
in the night
I hear you.

I’m a star child

When the world is
closing her greedy fists
around your hearts
let go,
give in
fear no more
the star land waits for you
with darkest of dark
and brightest of bright
warm, cold,
emptiness
all for you

Crimson, 11/14/03

The bell tolls for thee....

2003-11-12T15:18:53Z

So I'm skipping spanish. I have a sneaking suspicion that something is due today, and I didn't do it, so that's why I'm skipping. ^_^ I'm such a great student.

Anyway, I had a really weird ass dream this morning. I can't remember all of it, but I know that Jacob (my nephew) was in it, but all grown up. There was a time when he was drowning.... Only, he wasn't. He didn't die, or even get hurt. And there was also part of the dream where someone had run away, and I and my strange companion was forced to follow them, try to track them down and bring them back to where they belonged. It was quite the dream, I can tell you that much. It was also very strange, seeing as there were both demons and angels in it, not to mention vampires. Such a strange dream, I tell you. Hmmm, very very odd. I wish I could remember more, but all I really remember in addition to what I've told you is that there was this sort of haze over everything, and it all had this very surreal quality to it, that I frankly did not understand, nor completely appreciate.

Lately, my emotions have been up and down and all around inside of me. Things are okay, I guess, in the long run anyway... I've just got some work to do, some evaluations. I don't know... I feel like there's nothing really worth living for sometimes... And then, well, then I don't know. Sometimes I change my mind, sometimes I don't. But what I do know is that I love you, Blaze, more than anything right now. I need you, and I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, I'm just in a really shitty place emotionally right now. It's hard for me to deal with my own self, let alone others. *sighs* I know that's not a good excuse, but it's the truth, and it's the only thing I have to tell you. I hope that you never hate me, never resent me. I'm trying to be a good person, I'm trying to cheer up, I'm trying to get my head back on straight. I swear to you, I'm trying.

So anyway, last night I went to a meeting of the campus Pagan Association. I don't know what the official title is.... Pagan Student Union or Pagan Club or something stupid like that. But whatever, titles aren't really important. The thing that I appreciated about it, however, was that it was a very welcoming environment, completely encouraging all who had joined to say whatever they wished to say. That was a wonderful thing, but then again... I don't know. It seemed more like a debate club than anything else. But I did like that they invited Christians to come and ask any and all questions that they may have. Honoring and celebrating diversity is always a wonderful thing to do. *smile*

I was quite proud of my Blaze, as well, because he actually spoke up to the group about what he thought. ^_^ I'm so proud of you, baby! Hehehe. Even though I was kinda confused at first, but that's okay. I think I was just not focused enough for that kind of intensity last night. Anyway, the one thing that really bothered me about the PA meeting was that quite a few of those who were there seemed rather cocky in their beliefs. As a pagan and a witch, I know that we don't really have the right to be cocky like that. The whole point of Wicca, Neopaganism, & Paganism is that there is no "one true path" as most Christians or Muslims or other certain groups might have you to believe. I really feel that that is what drew me most to becoming a witch... I don't feel that there is one "true" or "more true" way to reach oneness with Divinity out there... *shrugs* Maybe that's just me, and perhaps I falsely assumed that I was part of the majority, but I always did think that that's how most who fall this alternative path thought.

I only have one favor to ask of the Pagan Assoc, though I highly doubt anyone in that room (with the acception of perhaps Leana, David and Blaze) will ever read this.... Leave your personal agenda's at home. That is to say, don't come trying to proove that you are better than anyone else, because goddess knows it won't get us anywhere. And I mean that on both the sides of the Christians who attend and the Pagans/Neopagans/Wiccans. I honestly felt like those who did the least amount of judging (myself included) were those who professed an atheistic or agnostic view of the world. Let's take a cue from classic commercials, feel good movies, and sappy music the world over... Can't we all just get along?